It's the me or the couch

      He is a very hard worker don't get me wrong. He is a fireman and on his days off my husband picks up as many shifts working as a paramedic as he can. By the time the poor guy comes home, his brain is perfectly mushed, his eyes are glazed and blood shot enough to fool any zombie into thinking he is one of them. So I encourage him to sit around and do nothing for the day  and my kids and I wouldn't have it any other way! And that is fine. But for whatever reason, at night,  he never wants to come to bed and fall asleep with me, or at least that is how I interpret it.I always find him on the couch and have to retrieve him. I know he loves me and wants to be with me , blah, blah, blah. But on these nights, I feel like I have to compete with the couch.I mean, what guy willingly wants to sleep on the couch? Isn't the couch reserved for when your in "the doghouse"?  I don't know why, but it makes me crazy.     
    So here I am,2 in the morning, having some awesome dream about me being the first female spider man,er...woman,and of course I'm trying to do my duty to protect this world, when my brain notices the spot next to me in the bed is cold and empty. I'm awake. Where is he? This is his chance to sleep in a warm bed with his amazingly wonderful and super gorgeous wife.  Wait! Was it all the garlic I had in my dinner? Is it the flannel nightgown my great grandmother gave me to wear?  (So what if she has on just like it, she just has good taste. It's sexy in its own old fashion sort of way) And don't even act like you didn't know I was lactose intolerant, we have been married for 12 years. My eyes slowly crack open as I'm drawn to the sound an old Star Trek reruns blaring from the other room.
     Really??? That is why he's not in bed with me? To watch an all night marathon of Star Trek. C'mon Mr.  Spock,  talk some logic into this guy. He's been awake for 2 days! I instantly find myself insulted and mad as hell as  I walk down the hall to find my husband who is still MIA. I looked to the left and was  greeted by Captain Kirk himself wooing a fellow shipmate when I spot my  husband passed out on the couch. The couch, my arch nemesis. Oh how many nights have you stolen him from me. Well not tonight buddy...HE"S MINE! But then I see him lying there, my best friend, the love of my life,fast asleep, curled up in a ball and trying to fight the cold,( reminding me to check on our children  to see if they need anymore re tucking on the way back to our bed). How can anyone be mad at this man?(who is obviously in denial about his age, thinking he can stay up all hours of the night. Bless his heart.).
    A few hard shakes later and he is on his feet headed down the hall, looking like a toddler taking his first wobbly steps. We make it to our bed, I  get his shoes off and cover him up. I  make my way back to my side of the bed hoping to find the warm spot I left still waiting for me. Nope. I'm freezing. My toes are ice. I cram them, er...I mean , snuggle them up to my human heater husband. He jolts awake long enough to  kiss my forehead and seconds later he is out. I feel content having him there next to me, knowing he is safe and sound.
   I close my eyes only  to be awoken a second later by the sound of a thousand trees being sawed down all at the same time. I try shaking him and calling his name. No don't start snoring. I'm not asleep yet. I lay awake, cringing at every breath. I know by now  there is no end, yet I continue to wait  for another 30 minutes praying for the snoring to stop. No use. I know I have no other choice but to retreat. I grab my pillow and an extra blanket and  head down the hall into the piece and quiet. It's nearly 3a.m. I look into my sons' room for some solace. I decide I'm not that desperate and continue walking on into the den. I roll my  eyes at what is there waiting for me with its stupid, big, overstuffed, super comfy, extra cushioned arms waiting to embrace me. If it had a face I would have punched it.  I wrapped the blanket around me and my unflattering,ankle length, grandma-ish flannel nightgown and  no sooner does my head hit the pillow, I find myself fast asleep on  what else, but the couch.